Well, I finally confronted my husband’s mother. For years she had been a master manipulator, Twisting and twirling me to her will. I put up with it so that my husband and children could have a relationship with her. But when she took from me what I consider to be a crown jewel, that precious milestone moment of being there for my daughter to help her move into her new home and host her housewarming with her, I had to speak up.
For years I had felt like the woman in this picture. But alas, when I told her how I felt, the first words in her email were a repeat of my last words.
“You have hurt me and I don’t know how long it is going to take me to get over it.”
Yes, I know that you are thinking, bingo! Master Manipulator technique extrodinaire. Typical bully playbook move. But this time, instead of making me want to apologize and go all wonky, crying and begging forgiveness, it made me so angry that I fought back. After years of mean words and deeds, she had the nerve to now say that I had hurt her…You did not just say that…No you did not!
Her next words were how she and her husband (step-father in law) had always told us how proud they were of us, so supportive of the adoption of our third child, and that they were just a wellspring of goodness and love. And yes, occasionally she will say a good thing or two. One hand carresses and the other pours buckets of salt into open wounds and rubs them raw. The kind words become lost and meaningless among the digs and the anger of the her aggression.
And those things that I accused her of ? (see my last post). Well, incedibly, she reports that they never happened. Wow, I must have a really creative imagination to make every single detail up and then to imagine they happened so vividly that they brought actual tears to my eyes. And I made those hallucinations up so well, that the rest of the family was able to see them as well. I knew I was good, but damn, I didn’t know I was that good!
And last, but not least she ends with, “I guess I am not welcome in your home or Fallon’s home anymore?” Really? What is that? You are now trying to make me feel guilty by plying me with responsibility for turning my daughter against her. Who is making up the fairy tales here. Methinks it is the master puppeteer trying to get back control of her strings. My daughter just wants everyone to be happy. She would not treat her Grandmother with anything but respect. But for the first time in thirty years Marilyn did not have control and could not manipulate the situation and so blind accusations were now all she had to hold on to.
I know how bitter I sound, but I assure you, I’m not. My conscience is clear and writing this is helping me to move on. I spent the first years of our marriage being the bridge between her and her son because he did not want to be hurt or manipulated anymore. I was always kind and sweet and never said a hurtful word to her ever. I have spent those thirty years being judged by her and treated as if when I spoke, out came the words of a moron.
She told me that she felt sorry for me. I know, another manipulator attempt to move the puppet’s strings and make them dance the tune that she wanted to hear. Here’s the bottom line though. I don’t care anymore what she thinks. I would have liked to have a relationship with her, but unless she can make my inner puppet feel bad so that she can manipulate my outer puppets actions, she really doesn’t want a relationship with me.
So I sent her another email. I don’t discuss this stuff directly on the phone with her because she has that voice that makes you feel as though you are not worth even talking to. I can’t imitate it and I can’t tell you where it comes from, but it’s there, big as life, and I avoid it at all costs.
This email will probably be the one that ends the relationship. Because breaking the mold and stepping outside of herself to realise that I am a real person, with real worth and real value and not just a puppet to be manipulated is just not in the mix I’m afraid.
Someone once defined insanity as doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different result. Well, this is a different thing that I tried but I really don’t expect the results to differ dramatically. But you know what? At least it is different, which means I get to not be insane with our every meeting anymore.
Out with the negativity and in with the positivity!
Onward and Upward to a new and better result!
A toast to the newly healed. May your scars fade and your life be filled with new and wonderful experiences. Leave the past behind and take with you only that which will make your future brighter. Live and Love well and never look back always aiming for the brightest star in the sky…Sail on and smile:)