Thoughts from an Inner Child

My inner child has a headache in her eye right now.   It comes from trying to understand what is going on with stuff in her life that just won’t come unknotted.

Well, you know the cat thing has me right now because it is something I really wanted to do and I’m still kind of frustrated that it can’t happen.  I’m frustrated that because of one  person’s predjudice against me because I spoke up and stood up for what I believed in, I now must pay a price.  It seems really unfair and I hate when things are unfair.

I don’t know if I ever blogged about cooking class.  Three times I signed up at this place near my house.  The first class got switched to a time I could not attend.  But then I saw that they had a tamale rolling class.  I signed up immediately, arranged for a baby sitter and ended up waiting in the parking lot for an hour because they had canceled the class and didn’t bother telling me.  I gave it one more shot and they called me the night before to tell me the class was cancelled.  That lady probably thought I had mental issues because I had had enough. She apologized, was going to comp another class but she couldn’t hold the class for just a couple of people (which is in a small store, btw), blah, blah, blah, but I had had enough.  Oh by the way, I also resent the “I can’t do something for just one person.”  If you do wrong by one person, then you should make the exception for the person you wronged. “I can’t make an exception for just one person” is a callous way of saying, “You are not as important as me, so I don’t have time to do the right thing by you.”  Because let’s face it, if the shoe was on the other foot, that lady would have the same feelings I had.  So I didn’t sign up for anymore classes, because after three tries I felt as if these people really didn’t care about who they were teaching.

And this last person, who tells me I have mental issues because I am hurt when I realize she has taken me for a ride.  Yes, I do have a mental issue. The issue is that I am hurt that you took me for a ride…Duh!  I have a problem with people who don’t take responsibility for what they’ve done wrong, a big problem.  It’s back to the unfair issue.  I guess it might also be because I’m kind of a control freak and this is something that I can’t control.  I want to make her say I’m sorry, but all I can do is set out the reasons why she should in logical order.  And when I do and she comes back telling me I need to apologize to her, and I did apologize to her btw, if I overstepped in asking to breed my cat, that is when my inner child gets a headache in her eye.

My life is full of stress right now, fighting to adopt my child, dealing with my cat’s breeder and just the day to day of having a child on the spectrum and worrying and caring about his future.  I am going to stay positive.  I’m going to move ahead with my head held high.  I just have to take a moment to pick my heart up off the floor, mend it, and move on.

You know the breeder (that said she was my friend at one time and was not now because I told her how I feel) said at one point that she was my friend because she felt I had issues and needed a friend.  Sort of like she pitied the poor sad little person she saw before her.  What has never occured to her is that it is because that’s how she saw me, what happened was bound to happen.  When you underestimate someone, they feel it, and it is a source of contention.  And yes I know, a friend would not have done all those things I wrote about in the first place, but that is where I’m at with all of this.  Playing at being a friend and being a friend are two different things, I know. I know that as you read this, you can see it clearly.  I can too, but my heart is having a tendency to cloud the issue.  Thus the tangle I’m trying to unknot.

I am a good person and all I want in life is to be happy and for everyone else to be happy too.  When I was a kid my mother and father believed, and my mother actually said this once, that it was wrong to expect to be happy, because being happy meant that soon really bad things would happen in your life.  Yeah I know.  That’s who I was raised by.  So they were content to be miserable and pretty much called misery down on themselves.  For part of my adult life, I lived that way too.  And then one day I met with a Christian therapist who metaphorically took off my glasses, wiped away the dirt, and caused me to see clearly.  He taught me that being a happy person, being positive was what it was all about as far as good mental health is concerned.  And it all clicked in my head.  And when it clicked, it clicked big time.

He also taught me to be assertive, which means I win and you win.  I guess that’s why I get upset with other people when they feel like in order to be happy themselves they need to take away from others.  He told me these are aggresive people, and some are passive aggresive which means they won’t come out and attack you openly, but they will find a way for them to win and for you to lose.  So assertive types (me) and aggresive types don’t mix because while I want things to equal out, the aggresive type wants victory for her or himself and will go to any lengths to take away what the assertive type has.  It’s just the way it is and it is what it is.

And I’m okay with that.

Wow, I figured it out.  I’m very proud of myself.  And I feel much better too. Knot coming loose, inner child’s headache receeding.

Stay thirsty my friends (lol, had to say it, I love that line and the commercials) – Random Girl, stream of consciousness:)

Onward and Upward!

P.S. I know I have a few anger issues that move being assertive into the aggresive category, like wanting the lady in the cooking class to hold the class even if its for a couple people, but I guess that would be assertive because I want it to equal out.  I want her to give me back the hour that I sat in the parking lot and all of the moments I spent psyching myself up for the class. With the breeder too, I want her to equal out all the time that I spent walking the floor with my dying cat and everything I went through in the situation because of her lack of honesty. Maybe in writing this blog I felt I might be getting a bit of that control back in my life, you know what I mean?  At any rate, I’m a work in progress and I’m trying.  So best wishes to you and best wishes to me and I know that somehow, with a little luck and a lot of effort, it will all work out in the end.  After all that’s why they call it, THE END


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