In Pain…..

Why am I doing any of this?

I worked my ass off to get as far as we did in the adoption process.  When my lawyer didn’t know how to do something I found out how to do it.

We are the ones that have been raising our son for the past three years and we are the ones that have to be full of worry because no one cares.  Our lawyer doesn’t care enough to stay on top of things unless I bitch, gripe and complain.  The court system thinks that its important that bio-mom has a chance to speak even though she has visited him two whole days in his whole life.  He’s really sick right now and we are the ones loving on him, rocking him and crying with him, taking him to the doctor and being his parents.  She doesn’t even care enough to let us know where she is or to communicate with us at all.  I’m the one who found out she was in jail because she was revoked yet again.  She has never spent on thin dime on him in his entire life. We have been the source of his love and his life. Yet, we must sit and wait for someone to tell us we have the right to be his parents.  It should make you mad, it should enrage you; it does us, but no matter what we do, no matter how hard we try, we are helpless.  And so it goes.

It seems like everywhere I turn it’s into more stress.

I set the cat breeder thing to private, thinking that I could make peace with the breeder because I talked with someone else ( a friend of hers) who said everything was just a big misunderstading.  I was so willing to talk it out, I’m always willing to, but no word from her and I still don’t have my papers for my cat, in fact, I got a letter from TICA asking me to send in her registration number so I could get points for the show we attended.

I feel like we are all alone and that nothing is ever going to get better….We try and try and try and it feels like we keep getting our faces pounded into the mud…

I know I’m feeling sorry for myself, but I need some good stuff to happen.  I know we have air to breathe, the sun, beauty in nature, but today I really need to know that my son will be here with us and protected.  I need to know that people do care about us, because right now we feel so isolated, so alone.

I feel like if we lost Sam and he had to go live in a slum neighborhood with the kind of life that we all know that he would live, people would say, “Oh how sad,” and then they would just move on with their lives like nothing ever really happened.

Is there anybody really out there?  Do they care about us?  Right now I’m feeling like Truman, without the cameras, like nobody is looking and nobody cares. No one at all….

How come there are miracles for us, no good news day after day.  It’s so hard to keep staying positive when I can’t even take a cooking class without waiting an hour in the parking lot because no one bothered to tell me they canceled it or pay money for a kitten that I have to bring back from the brink of death.  I don’t understand and neither does Wood, why this keeps on happening to us.  What did we do wrong?  Are we bad people?

Tomorrow I will probably feel better, but tomorrow I will still be fighting for my husband and son.  Why can’t we be at peace to raise our son in the way he should be raised?  Why can’t we ever get good news instead of bad?  Why is it that we keep being assured that as long as we have a good attitude things will work out, and still we sit here stagnant and alone.

The campfire is burning low and I am out of logs….

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